Feb 11, 2024

5 min read

Who Needs Batteries Anyway?

Let's be real, life would be so much better if batteries didn't exist. Okay, maybe not life itself – pacemakers and electric cars are rather important. But those small, deceptively harmless, cylindrical demons? We could happily throw a farewell party for them.

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Every household has that drawer. You know the one. That chaotic mess of cables, adapters, long-forgotten birthday candles…and enough batteries to power a small, angry nation. There they lie, a motley crew of AAs, AAAs, those impossible-to-find button cells, and of course, the ever-elusive D (who on Earth actually uses those?). Every time you think you've hit critical battery mass, another random device coughs and dies.

I once got into a mild standoff with a singing birthday card that kept belting out its electronic rendition of "Happy Birthday" even after the card was safely in the garbage (The environment might hate me, but I was desperate). I’m convinced there’s a special level of the underworld reserved for the batteries that power such contraptions.

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It's never the device you use all the time that suddenly needs new batteries. No, it's that obscure barbeque thermometer you forgot existed, that Thomas Kinkade Christmas decoration with the tiny flickering village, dying mid-carol with a sad electronic wheeze, or the rogue fitness tracker you abandoned six months and three failed resolutions ago.

And when you do have the right batteries, well…. Anyone who's ever fumbled with those tiny battery compartment lids knows that they're designed by sadists and/or people with freakishly small fingers. Those little symbols for positive and negative terminals might as well be written in ancient Sumerian cuneiform. It shouldn't take an engineering degree and a pair of needle-nose pliers to restart a kitchen scale.

The Battery Conspiracy Theories

This has to be more than incompetence. Surely, there’s a conspiracy here. Have you ever notice how appliances never seem to use the same SIZE batteries? Like that remote wants AAA, the wireless keyboard takes AA, and the clock won't work without some oddball button cell. That's no coincidence. How often have you opened a brand new pack of batteries only to find one DOA right off the bat? And don't even get me started on those "guaranteed to last five years" cell batteries that somehow conk out after about four months. It's almost like they're actively programmed to fail.

The battery industry must be secretly run by a shadowy league of mad scientists cackling while they plot our collective dependency and inevitable frustration. There's even something a little sinister about those cheerful bunnies used to sell us power, isn't there? What are they hiding behind those smug grins?

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Now, hear me out: I see their methods at work everywhere. Take how, no matter how diligent I am, there is always ONE device with a weird battery lid that defies every standard screwdriver. That isn't an oversight; it's a power move. Imagine their secret committee meetings, a chorus of evil laughter with each new incompatibility added. No wonder that battery bunny has that conniving glint in his eye!

This whole scenario has me feeling oddly rebellious. Is it crazy to start stocking up on pitchforks and torches? Okay, those might be overkill, but let's face it: sometimes you want to light those unusable batteries on a Viking funeral pyre, just out of principle. But instead of resorting to pyrotechnics, what if there was another way? Because let's face it, companies like ONiO with their energy-harvesting tech might actually liberate us from this tyrannical battery empire.

Call To Action: Join the Anti-Battery League

Of course, violence against innocent metallic cylinders isn't going to fix much of anything. What we need is an uprising, a collective act of defiance!  Think of it as a power revolution of the people, except it’s against tiny silver nuisances rather than monarchs. Supporting companies like ONiO makes a statement that we aren't accepting a throwaway world. When those energy-harvesting microcontrollers replace billions of batteries (minimum), that's when real change happens – tons of harmful waste diverted, landfills spared, and fewer panicked trips for AAs in the middle of the night.

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This rebellion won't just happen spontaneously. We need to spread the good word about a potential battery-free future! Every person muttering obscenities while prying open a stubbornly designed compartment lid is a potential recruit. Every discarded, half-empty pack of batteries is a martyr to the cause.

Let's raise awareness, demand change, and make this frustration-fueled movement impossible to ignore. We won't let those snickering bunny mascots and their shadowy overlords have the last laugh. Tell everyone you know that there's a glimmer of hope on the horizon with companies like ONiO. Search us out online (actually you’re already here), get informed about our tech. Every converted non-believer brings us a step closer to the end of battery-dictatorship.

A Triumphant Ending

Who knows? Maybe one day there’ll be a national monument in honor of the fallen batteries replaced by revolutionary microcontrollers. It'll be a giant sculpture of a discarded battery pack with a victorious ONiO.zero chip gleaming out from the center (or just a regular tombstone). Museums will have exhibits documenting the "Dark Ages of Batteries" before society was enlightened. Kids will laugh at stories of the primitive charging rituals their ancestors engaged in.

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Alright, perhaps a bit dramatic... but wouldn't it be amazing? After all, who needs batteries when you've got ingenuity and the will to defy a tiny, strangely powerful foe? It's time to take our technological destiny back into our own hands. Join me in ditching batteries and embracing this sustainable future! And just maybe, someday, digging through that drawer for spare batteries will be a thing of the past.

About the author

Runar Finanger

CMO

Runar, the co-founder and CMO of ONiO, adeptly connects product innovation to customer desires. Championing brand-building, he heightens consumer awareness and consistently propels brand preference through diverse channels.

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